Funny how my previous post was about my pregnancy, and how things have changed now.

It's been a week since I received the news of my possible miscarriage. It's also been a week of recovery. I feel much better now than I did then. Not entirely over, I still think about it from time to time. But the degree of acceptance is almost a 100%.

It being my first pregnancy ever in my life, made me even sadder. The excitement of being a mother was taken away in one day after 15 weeks of bearing the nausea, dizzyness and tiredness. Simply put, I crumbled.

Broke the news to family member and friends, I wasn't ready but it felt right to share. Undoubtedly, everybody tells me to be strong and that it was ketentuan Allah swt. Which I already knew, and hearing it over and over again wasn't pleasant. It didn't help with my situation. I'm Muslim, and I believe in Allah swt, I have my faith and I believe in Qada' and Qadar set by Allah swt. But somewhere between the line, I am just human, I have my flaws and most of the time get carried away with my emotions. The pain of loss was extreme, something I have never experienced and thus all I did overnight and the days after was to cry and cry, to complain and cry in my prayers, to plead to Allah swt to give me strength to overcome this test He has written for me.

It took 2 full days but Alhamdulilah eventually the emotional pain of loss was replaced by the physical pain of loss. On Saturday morning, my waterback broke and I started to bleed out. The pain was unbearable but it made me forget the emotional pain I was going through. Hubby brought me to the hospital and stayed with me day in and day out. Though at night I had to sleep alone, and the troubles came to mind again, I didn't cry as much as I did before. I was stronger.

I was discharged on Monday, and going home to my own mother made me feel at ease. She took care of my food, and hubby paid for my much needed 3 day massage. My mind and body had gone through so much, all I really wanted was sleep and my husband.

I've been told umpteen times that I'll get my reward if I get through this test Allah swt sets out for me, so I remained strong and steadfast. But somewhere along the way I realised, my reward has always been by my side pushing me and motivating me, hearing me cry in the middle of the night, and reaching out for me and calming me.

I may have lost my precious baby, but it's ok because to Allah swt we belong and to Him we return. I know I have the love and support from my husband and family when I'm at my lowest, and I definitely have Allah swt to listen and understand the pain when no one else could.

I have my faith, I'll be alright. Alhamdulilah for this test ya Rabbi for it has brought me even closer to You.
xx.